I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.
Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My misuse of alcohol was not simply "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control'..my consumption of alcohol to soothe and keep me emanates from various situations in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.
I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.
I woke up one morning, stripped in bed with some person in a fraternity house in Montreal..... I recollect and it is really a ponder I didn't get truly harmed, wind up in a doctor's facility or plastered tank or pregnant.
Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.
Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.
My husband got addicted to a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of alcohol...and shortly a nocturnal habit to crack one or two... Privately, I started mixing my own alcoholic beverages and hiding the glass in my baking cupboard.
Immediately after I reach home - and face the house untidy state, making the evening meal, trying to make ADHD boy concentrate on his assignment while withdrawing the other one from his iPod.....I can't help but think about mixing that drink....which I continue refilling up to the point that I finally fall asleep or lose consciousness. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.
But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.
I was more jovial than I had ever been. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.
My cocktails comforted me they assisted the infliction.
I feel so ashamed as I remember my past. The drunken episodes:
Being completely drunk at a party last year.
I even got wasted at my sister's 50th birthday
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
Shouting fits before my children
Domestic violence against my husband
A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over
Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.